Beyond ADHD A Physicians Perspective Ep 20 Dr. Weili Gray (Board-certified sleep, integrative, and lifestyle medicine physician founder of Dare to Dream Physician)

Dr. Weili Gray: You know, your life is worth it. We only get to live once. So get to know yourself. What, is the life that you want to live? And what's stopping you because whatever is stopping you, there are ways to overcome that. Live the life that you want and live it now because tomorrow may not be there.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Hi, welcome to Beyond ADHD, A Physician's Perspective podcast. I am your host, Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh. I'm a family medicine doc, with ADHD, practicing in a rural setting in Texas. I am a mother to two very energetic toddlers who are three and four years of age.

 

And in the past year, I have undergone radical transformation after discovering  ADHD coaching, and life-coaching. For the past decade, my typical day consisted of having 300 charts backlog, a graveyard of unfinished projects, and a lack of time awareness. I didn't realize that I was not filling my own cup. I was running on fumes, the last year I figured out the secret; learn to stay in your lane. So now my mission is to help others develop systems that tap into their zone of genius. So they too can reclaim their personal lives back like I have.

Oh, my goodness. I am so excited today to have a dear friend with me. It is a very, very special treat that you guys have today is Dr. Weilli Gray. She's a board certified sleep integrative and lifestyle medicine physician say that fast three times who practices in Vermont. She is also a Registered Life Planner and the founder of Dare To Dream Physician, where she offers life planning and host a weekly podcasts. So excited to have you here. I want to ask you all the things, but first, first of all, we'll start with, how did you decide to become a life planner in addition to all your other hats, all those board certifications.

Dr. Weili Gray: Yeah, well, first, thanks so much for spontaneously inviting me on your podcast. You know, we, we had like a, what two hour notice and that normally I would like run away from that, but I went with it. So I'm super excited to be on here. And, regarding the question of, you know, why am I doing a million things?

Like, you know, I already have all these board certifications. I practice. As a sleep physician at the hospital in rural Vermont. And, about a year ago was actually when I accidentally I call it like I accidentally got life planning. And in this workshop where I got life planning, I was, I had so much clarity in a short period of time on what is it that what's the life that I really want to live? What, are my dreams? And not just like, you know, like we all, I mean, both of us are physicians and, you know, at some point we had dream of becoming a physician, but, you know, once we became one, it was like, well, is this it? Is there more, you know what, that's not the end of her life right there.

And so just having that long view on my life and saying the things that, maybe I'm scared of right now or the things that are causing me distress. And, to, to really put that in perspective and say, well, this is what I want in my life. This is what I want to accomplish. This is the legacy that I want to live, you know, where do I really want to be?

And so when you look at that long-term perspective, it puts all these other things into context and the things at that point about a year ago, I was in a lot of. pain and suffering. Like, I, I felt like things were a lot of things were happening to me that, I felt like helpless and, just, I felt like I couldn't, I didn't have a grip on my life anymore and I had just turned 40 at the time.

So it was like, wow, is this what a midlife crisis? It was like, and, and so that's how life planning, transformed my life. And that's why I decided to, you know, pay it forward and become a life planner and help others, who might be suffering some, something similar, also have their transformation.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah. You know, that's so interesting. What you just shared, how sometimes it is through stress that we, I mean, I don't want to say we hit rock bottom, but we get to a point where we have that question. Why am I doing this? Right. Like, what is the point of all it is? When did I decide that being a physician meant X, Y, and Z.

And I think COVID really did a number on getting several of us to ask ourselves those questions and to wonder whether being a physician was just one part of it. And how could you then leverage it to do something else? That'd be enough physician didn't define you and that your interest. And ways, like you said, designing your life on purpose instead of just deciding that it happens to you.

Right? That's how I always felt. Turning off fires, not like me on control. Like that's how I felt prior to coaching. And definitely it's so interesting how we all sometimes get to that point in our lives. And sometimes, unfortunately some of us don't have that moment because we're so busy running around. But I am so glad that you had that clarity and that you found that resource, and now you are able to use it for others so that they too can have their transformation and such a breath of fresh air.

You know, most of us, when we think of planning or like, how do I run away faster? You have to have, did you think that thought at some point or no?

Dr. Weili Gray: Yeah. So, we can absolutely talk more about this later, but my brain definitely is not into planning. I like, I mean, part of me likes planning, but then the other part of me loves spontaneity and, just, you know, doing things on the fly and what, and so the, the word life planning is

it is maybe it doesn't capture all of it because in the heart of what I do as a life planner is also to help each one of us, including myself, enjoy the present moment and to live life more intentionally and more mindfully. And, you know, those are a lot of buzz words that I like I'm usually turned off by like, you know, these buzz words, like, what does that mean?

Like, what is the living, you know, in the present and, you know, living mindfully mean. But it's really just soaking everything in. So a lot of us, like, for example, you know, I'm a mom of three kids and I was, you know, if I talk to like a friend, you know, when I was in college that like, I remember telling a friend in college, You know what, like what's the legacy we want to leave behind?

And I remember telling her I'm like, I, I want kids. And like, this is like a weird thing to say, you know, for like an early 20 something year old. And I didn't want kids then, but I was like, I really, you know, I, I feel like that's part of leaving a legacy in the world that was important and important thing for me.

And, and then, you know, here I am, you know 10, 15 years later, And I have three kids. And then yet most of the day I feel like I felt like I was really struggling. Like I was struggling as a mom. I was struggling as a physician. I was just struggling as a human being, struggling as a wife, just struggling with everything.

And I just had to slow down and just look in front of you and say, You know what I had voice this 15, 20 years ago and said, this is part of what I want in life and why am I not embracing this dream that I'm living? Because so many people may not be able to have this. And, you know, I shouldn't take that for granted and just taking every moment in like, you know, when, if my daughter comes up to me and I'm trying to, you know, get some work done on the computer and she says, Hey, you know, mommy, I like look at this, you know, cause that's how kids connect.

Right? They want to show you everything. They want to tell you everything. And instead of being annoyed, be grateful, be enjoyable. It just take. The senses and like what she's showing me and the way she's talking to me. And so that's part of life planning is to really be in that moment and just enjoy what we actually have to, because oftentimes some of the reflective exercises that we do in life planning, You know, what you have, you know, 24 hours left to live and, you know, knowing that, and that the feelings that come up from that, what just reflect for a moment, you know, who did you not get to be?

What did you not get to do? And what, what did I miss? And it's so interesting because a lot of us may have these dream. Like if you ask me right now, we'll be like, wow, it'd be great if I was financially independent. So I didn't have to worry about making an income. If you know, I had a house by the beach, like of course I can name all these things I would love to have.

But if you reflect now knowing that you only have a day left to live. A lot of the things that are so valuable to us are the things that we already have. And, and so to live life in alignment with our values and the things that we do have, and not take those things for granted and not, you know, that's, that's living in the moment, that's sort of, you know, living in the present.

So, so that's, was part of my transformation was. I was just, you know, like I was working really hard. I was cranking out our reuse, you , trying to, get a bigger bonus check and all of those things, like, you know, chasing the carrot. And even though that wasn't really part of why I went into medicine, it was like easy to do.

Cause these were like metrics on paper, but yet what I was giving up was that ability to. Enjoy the dream life that I was already living. So this is part of, , part of the, what I love about, you know, going through life planning and that it's not just planning, it's actually just enjoying life. Yeah.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: That's, that's so good that you made that a point because maybe some of us have not heard of that term. And so we would have totally have misinterpreted. And now how you say it, it's basically. Making sure that you design your ideal day or a deal a week or the rest of your life, like you said, based on your values and your.

I had to ask myself that same exact question, because COVID forced me to, if I had 24 hours, I had a week. If I had a year, if I had five years, what would I do? What wouldn't I do? And then why am I still doing. Who said I had to do it. And from there, like you said, we quickly realized that there's different levels of wealth.

It's not just financial wealth. There is spiritual wealth, energetic wealth, right? Like how fatigued are you that you can't even enjoy that awesome thing you just bought, right? Because you can't even like get on the bike because you're tired. Right. So there's all kinds. And then you can not ignore the time, the gift of time to enjoy those around us, because we don't know.

I mean, we could die in a car accident or they could die in a car accident or somebody could, you know, you could be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Stuff happens. Right. And so I know those seems like we went deep quick, but those are things that if we don't slow down enough, we might miss it because we get so busy, so busy.

And I don't know where we got this notion of like pack more, pack, more pack more. And the more you do, the more productive you are and the more productive you are, the more self-worth you are like, who came up with that? Like, What if it means do less and less is more because all of a sudden, you know what it is that you need, you break it down to the must haves and the nice to have.

And I guess I could have. And you're right. Like most of us would definitely not go to work that day. I don't think. Right. We wouldn't. I think I would go to the beach somewhere with my family and have a nice dinner steak or whatever, eat ice cream, right. Call the people that I love and not call the people that irritate me.

Right. And so it's again, on purpose deciding. What makes sense for you and for your family and not necessarily what the world is telling you should be. So how did you decide you wanted to be a doctor?

Dr. Weili Gray: Yeah, that's a great question because I actually was really anti pre-med. When I was in high school, I was like doing group projects with some of my classmates were like really gung ho pre-med.

I don't even know how in ninth grade, you know, you want to be pre-med, but I guess they were, you know, really, you know, they were really gung ho about it. Just the way, the way that they talked about, you know, like making the grades and, you know, like, just like the whole application process to college, it was just like, none of that was on my radar.

So it was like, oh, wow, this is not really sitting well with me. And you know, if this is what pre-med is, okay, that's definitely not what I want to do with my life. So it was pretty anti. Going to medical school. Cause I'm just like, yeah, I'm really not that type of person, you know, who's gonna, you know, plow everything in my way to get, you know, to my goals.

And then I always liked the sciences. So I was an astrophysics major in college. And, junior year I went to a liberal arts college. So it was like, yeah, that was my major. But I also took classes in art and art history and, you know, the humanities. And so it was a lot of, a lot of fun. And. I went abroad junior year, and to England.

And, part of that is England is a great gateway to travel to the rest of Europe. And I also traveled around in Asia and a lot of that travel, like I was doing by myself, like, you know, I had a backpack and that's about it. This is before cell phones. I didn't have that. And it was just such an amazing experience because everywhere I went, I got to meet different people, like people from different cultures, people from different walks of life.

And, you know, even like people who spoke different languages. And it was just so much fun to connect with people. And I'm just like, wow, this is just, this is so wonderful. Like, this is like what, what it means to me to be human is to connect with others in this, you know, really genuine way. And so when I came back from my study abroad experience, You know, reality hit.

Cause I'm like, okay, I'm a senior now. You know, um, I'm graduating with an astrophysics major. I don't see myself doing the whole PhD thing cause you know, I can't focus on one topic for the rest of my life. And so I'm like, what do I, what should I do? And then I thought about it. I'm like, wow. It kind of makes sense to maybe look into

medicine, but that's like, not like I was rarely really gung ho about not doing that. So I had to reconsider doing that and I started shadowing, doctors in the community. I shadow in the emergency room. I took a year off after college and like volunteer with AmeriCorps and worked in, worked with kids in the school system.

And it was, it w it just felt right in the end. So I, I applied for a post-bac program. And then I did, to do my pre-med classes that I didn't do in my astrophysics major. And then I, and then I went to med school. So it's been, I have to say there wasn't, there's not been a moment like in my heart where I feel like.

This like working with patients, like I never felt like this was the wrong choice for me, but as most physicians have experienced, you know, in our country with the, you know, 40% or more burnout rate, there's a lot of things that sort of, that's not necessarily related to, you know, connecting with patients, helping with patients, that are really weighing, that can wave physicians down and certainly.

Been I've experienced a lot of that and including, you know, having a baby during my intern year, that was kind of, a lot of juggling, you know, work-life balance has been really challenging.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Wow. That's great that you, you took that opportunity and you got to explore all those cultures and then. You had the insight that you were somebody who was not, was going to be bored if you just did one thing. Right. And so. You pick the field that was going to be ever changing right. Medicine, and you have no idea what's happening because it's ever changing. Right. And so you decided to do that in your own terms and you didn't do one, right?

You, you went into sleep and integrative and although that works right. And so that's so good. Tell me, did you ever feel like. You know, you would go down rabbit holes because you were so intrigued by different things.

Dr. Weili Gray: I always go down rabbit hole.

It's the part of the joy of living right. Is being a lifelong learner. And it's that, it's that curiosity that I remember having, you know, when I was a kid that I never outgrew, that, you know, I think that makes life interesting.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah. And was there ever a point in your life that you thought, Hmm, I have 10,000 interests and I'm going down rabbit holes and I'm trying to do all the things.

I wonder if I'm struggling here. I wonder if my, if I might have ADHD or was that not even in your radar?

Dr. Weili Gray: Oh my goodness. Deanna. This is where I have, like, I have to thank you so much for 'cause. I, I actually, I, I'm never. We're associated with ADHD at all. Until I signed up for your group because, although, you know, your, your podcasts, has the word ADHD and it, but you know, all your messaging as you're sort of talking about what you help physicians with is, you know, time management and, you know, getting charts done.

And although I was like, well, I don't know anything about ADHD except for, you know, like some of my patients may have it. I, I signed up because I'm like, I definitely, you know, when you, when you use the term time blindness, I was like, oh, there's a word for that.

And so, yeah, I definitely needed the help with. You know, getting my charts done because, you know, although I love the part of connecting with patients, the charts were really boring and, you know, sort of not, not the part that really killed me. And so I. I showed up to it's group coaching. So I showed up to my actually I didn't, I couldn't even make the first session, but I listened to the replay of the first session.

And as I'm sitting there listening to the replay, I'm hearing all these physicians and, talk about their struggles, you know? Yeah. They talked about charting, but then they all were very open about that they have ADHD or they just got diagnosed with ADHD. And, and not only do they talk about their struggles as a physician, but also as a mom and, you know, just like in, in general, in life.

And I'm thinking. Wow. Well, first of all, my first reaction, like maybe five minutes in, I was like, this is interesting. Like everyone's are, is ADHD but me. But you know, this will be good for me, like, cause I really need help with turning. And then as I'm listening, like maybe 30, 40 minutes, Lynn I'm like, why are they all describing me?

Other people? Like there's a group of people that struggle with this too. And so it was like, it was this light bulb moment. I'm like I'm 41 years old. You know, I, I graduated from high school. I graduated from college. I did my postdoc, I did medical school. I took all those, you know, step exams and board exams and residency and had three kids.

Wow, this, this explains so much of why I, you know, have this like lifelong struggle of feeling overwhelmed. And it's so funny because then I look back and you know, I don't have an official diagnosis of ADHD. I'm on the wait list to see somebody for this. But it's, it's just, you know, Two or three months that's passed by.

I've read, I've listened to a lot of podcasts, including yours and, I, you know, read, at least one book, if not more than one book, I'm trying to look ADHD 2.0 was the first book that I read and just, you know, read articles and just did a lot of research on this, on my own. And it's and I have to say, you know, thank you Diana, that, you are so positive about this diagnose that one, that you speak out about this, because even in the short period of time that I've, you know, associated with having an ADHD brain, I've just, you know, I've been sort of in one-on-one conversations, with other physicians, I've sort of just share them like, oh, this thing just happened.

You know, I had. Light bulb moment. And so many of them then shared with me that they have ADHD and I'm like, oh, I didn't know that. And so thank you for being transparent and being not only transparent, but just being so vocal about this because it is. It's out there and it's one of those things that if you didn't put yourself out there and didn't, you know, become vulnerable and share your struggles that, that so many people, you know, wouldn't even know including myself.

So that's one. And then the other thing that I thought was really an interesting observation was like, I was kind of proud of. Yeah. Like, I think I have an ADHD brain and this like explains all my struggles, but at the same time, you know, like I'm really excited to be identified with this. And I think that's also from you because you talk about it in such a positive way that it didn't even occur to me.

That some of the physicians, you know, who, don't openly share that they have ADHD. Actually, you know, they admitted to me that it's, it's like they have, you know, not necessarily some of them will say, you know, they have some shame around it. Others are just like, I just, you know, almost tried to dis- associate myself with it, even though I have the diagnosis. And so it's been really, really an interesting, interesting journey, but I will say that looking back, I remember as a high school. So although I don't have, you know, an official diagnosis, I'm definitely more of the inattentive type. Like I was the kid who sat in the classroom and like, I wasn't disruptive.

I didn't move a lot. I, but I would daydream or like, I wouldn't necessarily process in the same way as maybe the way the teacher was teaching it or other kids would be able to process things. And so I did struggle with low self-esteem in high school, like ninth grade. I remember there was a class physics class.

Like I felt like I was just like, I don't understand. You could describe, you know, motion with math. I like that didn't click in my brain. And because I was stuck on that, like, I couldn't move past, like learning, like memorizing the equations. And so I just remember doing really poorly on the test and in that class. And I was like, maybe I just don't need to go to college.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: All or nothing, our brains so good at that. Right.

Dr. Weili Gray: So, and I, I had a lot of this, you know, sort of a lot of this low self-esteem self-esteem that I just internalized cause I'm like, I don't get it. Like, I, I feel like I'm a fairly intelligent person, but there's some things that I just really struggle with.

And I even remember going to my guidance counselor in high school who was such a nice lady. And I was like, I, you know, I see some other kids getting accommodations, so, you know, take their tests. Cause it takes me a long time. Like I'm always like the last one to finish. Like I'm like I could have used a little bit more time, but I'm like, okay, I'm just going to try to finish.

And I'm like, you know, can I get something like that? And it's so interesting because I just remember, she was like, oh no, you don't need that. Like, do you really? You're you're probably okay. Like she sort of, you know, shut it down, even though she was like one of the nicest people I knew in high school and, and that was it.

And I never really like, you know, going through college and going through medical school, I, it was a struggle for sure, but it was just like, it never crossed my mind again, because. If she had answered differently, if she was like, oh, okay. Maybe like, maybe you should be tested. I think it would have just been, so, you know, the trajectory of my life would have been some difference.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah. So, you know, so many amazing points that you just shared and. Go through those. So first of all, I was that physician, the ones that you're describing, where they trying to mask, and they don't want to tell anybody anything. I mean, I neglected my diagnosis for 10 years after, you know, they told me that I should know better that I outgrow it.

Because I felt ashamed that how come, I didn't know better, like in how come somebody told me I didn't, this specialist just told me that I'm faking it. Basically. That's what they're just finished telling me. Right. And, and the thing was that I did, I ignored. But I didn't know that I was working harder than everybody else, because I mean, I thought I'm going to do whatever it takes to do this for my patients. Right. And I didn't know it was at the expense of my health and at the expense of my mind and all that, because I just thought I do what I want needs to get done because I love my patients. Right. And so it took me discovering life coaching and ADHD coaching to start to see it as the gifts. And, and to realize that, you know, things evolve and that emotions cause we can get very emotional, real quick, right?

Emotional dysregulation and executive function. They can come can we're overstimulated. And when you get curious, then all of a sudden you're not judging yourself all the time. And I think it was the fact like you just pointed out because they dismissed you. You never like second guess. Should I take a step and get a second opinion or whatever, and you're right.

What if I had had enough common sense to be like, you're one of like 500 doctors here in Houston. Let me go get a second opinion. Why do I need to like talk to you? You just met me for two minutes and you walked out right. But again, because of the feeling I was having and just like you, I don't want to say that it was a low self-esteem, but it could have been because we tend to have that little inner critic that says like, you're amazing.

No, you're not. Yes you are. No, you're not. It's like the little angel, and a devil, right? When you're doing it wrong is quiet. Like we Excel, we kick it out of the park. Right. But we keep like questioned ourselves along the way, every step of the way, because it doesn't come easy, but because it doesn't come easy, we don't expect it to, so we're okay.

Trying to narrow, try and error, trial and error because we don't know any other way. Right. Because that's how we have gotten to the end result. And not getting to the end result. If it's something we want is never an option. Not because we fear failure, but because that's aligned with you. And so you're going to exert all these energy that you don't even know where it comes from sometimes. Right? But then you pay for it a couple of days later, like exhausted, right. Chronic fatigue. So it's like you're in constant survival mode. Unaware, if you slow down enough, like you said, and have some aha moments, you can be like totally thrive mode. But when we get to that thrive mode, it's because we're not long, no longer judging us.

And yeah. So I kept looking around and I could not see, like you said, physicians talking about it. And so I didn't want to talk about it naturally. Right. Because I think I had told five people if that, you know, prior to two years ago, and then. I don't know. I think I posted something on ADHD for smartass women.

So that was my like shining star that got me to start thinking of it differently. And she said, Hey, let me, let me interview you. And that was February, 2021 that she interviewed me. And since then, like a lot of people, a lot of physicians throughout the world started reaching out to me and they're like, oh my God, I'm so glad you said that.

And it's, again, something that it's a little bit sad that we keep it hush, hush, because people still have that misinterpretation that you know, that you're maybe being argumentative because you're calling out BS on some systems that no longer make sense because the people that made it like are long gone.

Right. And so it there's so many things or maybe you look like you don't care because you're showing up late. But again, you're not, it's not that you're trying to show up late. You have that time blindness or you're too loud. You're like, I'm not trying to be loud. I'm just speaking my boys, what's your problem.

You're like, you're too boring, you know? And so it's just the flavors of it, right. Like you said it's sometimes because you don't know, because I didn't know I had ADHD. I think that's what got me to med school because I didn't know, I wasn't in my head. And so sometimes what you don't know is you don't know, but then when you do know then.

It all goes to what you're thinking about it. Right. Because for me, I was thinking shame, but for you, you were thinking, oh, I am proud here. Yeah. This is my super power. Right. And so it goes back to what are you thinking about it? And then how can you support yourself? Because while pills can help. They don't teach you the skills.

They don't teach you about time blindness. They don't teach you how to work with your strengths. They don't teach you how to do whatever you need to do in a way that is not inefficient for you. And that's the thing. My group coaching is not meant to be only for physicians with ADHD. You don't have to have the diagnosis, but you need to feel like time just gets away from you or like clutter, somehow magically shows up, like, you know, like for some reason the socks become like lids for your kitchen that you don't know what happened, you know?

Like, and so I think when you are able to come to a community where. You can be you and you're no longer being looked at like, oh my God, that's the doctor that needs like 5,000 reminders to like, get their charts done or to like get out of the room or to whatever. Right. Then everybody else is not the norm.

Yeah, such good points. I, and I, I would say that, you know, I love the work that you're doing in this space. And, and also, you know, even before joining your group, I, you know, even though I had no idea about this ADHD world, some of the things that helped me, which also I see you are actively, you know, working toward helping other physicians with is.

Helping them see their worth. And, and I'm not talking about that, just like in a negotiation point of view. I see, you know, the whole like time blindness and, and, you know, chronic lateness and, um, sort of, you know, like being scatterbrained and those things, I could see how that easily leads to a low self-esteem or, you know, this.

Julian like, you know, I'm just not good enough. Why is it that everyone else can do this? And I can't. And I mean, to be honest, like there's a reason why, you know, ADHD is groups and the neuro atypical category, because most people don't have brains like this. And so when the rest of the world has a norm, like social norms and especially for women, you know, like women are supposed to be the nurturers, you know, they're supposed to like keep everything together.

So when you have these norms, And the person that you are, can't meet these norms. It's natural to feel like, oh, I'm not worthy. Like I'm, you know, I'm just for whatever reason, like I'm broken and, and what coaching and, you know, life planning and this self development work can be so powerful is allowing us to see that.

Okay. We're not like the norm. But we are worthy. We have inter like intrinsic worth. And, um, and, and the word that you like to use, that, which I love is, you know, you have a zone of genius and you need to embrace that. And so, like, for example, um, also I highly recommend the book that Deanna, um, uh, talks about a lot, which is ADHD 2.0.

And in that book, um, there is like a tart, like I actually, you know, cause I'm not really good at reading books, I like to listen to books. And so, so in the, in the book, even if you get the audible version, it comes with this PDF chart and it just reframes the traits that are often associated with. Either ADHD or, you know what Dr.

Hallowell calls, um, the bass trait. And, and so it's, you know, so like for example, impulsivity, you know, that that's a negative framing and that's sort of how, like, in the, you know, in the diagnostic criteria and sort of in society, you know, they, they use that word impulse impulsive, you know, that person is impulsive, but what's the other side of impulsivity, right.

That person is a spontaneous. Is a venturous is fearless, you know? So you have, you know, you, you have one part that's impulsive, but then it's the other part, you know, it's, it's the same trait just flipped. It flipped in a positive light,

fierce

Dr. Weili Gray: that actually is. You know, changes the world and, or drives innovation.

And so it's exactly, and that's, you know, this strength based approach that you, so advocate is that, which is, I think, why I never, you know, as I'm embracing this new identity of having an ADHD brain, like, it just didn't even occur from me to me for that more than a few minutes to be ashamed of it because you, you know, if you frame it in this positive light, It's it brings value.

And so that radical, self-acceptance the, you know, the compassion, all of that you talk about, you just have to look at it and it may be, you know, it may not happen overnight because, you know, especially if you keep having these negative messages that you tell yourself that the others around your society tells you, you know, you're not going to be able to flip this overnight, but if you, if we start.

Reframe, you know, these traits that are associated with ADHD in that positive light. I think that will take away the shame because it's true. Like most of the cool stuff that happens in history, like I'm willing to bet happened, you know, of someone who's neuro atypical, you know, whether it's ADHD or something.

Yeah.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Right. Yeah. Yeah. Such good point. So tell me you joined because of the charty did that improve or did that stay the same? We're all friends here. You can tell us the truth.

Dr. Weili Gray: Yeah. So I definitely has improved. So I, and I was, I told you before that I actually had one-on-one coaching that wasn't like specifically designed for ADHD or just kind of life coaching that I did with another coach.

I told her about. What I really need to work on is like my time management skills. So I had, you know, even though it was a different program, like I had already dumped, done some work in this and it, it worked like, I was like, so amazed. I'm like, wow. Like I went into that before coaching. I went into that and I remember saying to my coach, I'm like, Okay.

I'm glad that you can see that this might be fixable, but I'm like, and I would love it to be fixable, but I don't have any confidence in that. You know, I'm just chronically, you know, a procrastinator and, you know, I just struggled with. Just time. Like, I didn't know the term time awareness at that point, but I'm just like, I don't have this.

And so, but through coaching, just through little, little reframes, it, um, really helped me. And then what happened was, you know, I didn't, I did well for. A while. And then, you know, something happened in my life. I don't even remember exactly what it is. Things just started piling on and falling apart. And I'm like, I definitely need a refresher deal.

So I signed up for your program and yeah. You know, even within. Within like a few weeks, things started really coming back to me. I'm like, of course, like, yes, like, do you know, do this? This is, I applied some of the techniques that you use. And then also just kind of learning what works for us, like experimenting.

Um, it, it, it helped me. It's just even the, just the awareness, like, okay. I know I'm not usually aware of time and by the way, I love that quality of time blindness, like, so I don't say that was shame because it's the whole time I do believe time is a social construct and it's not being aware of time.

That helps us be more creative and helps us to do something amazing because if time yeah. Uh, always ticking in my head. I wouldn't necessarily be able to do that amazing thing, but when it comes to charting, it's actually really good to have time awareness. So that's where, you know, timers come in, you know, you give us a timer, um, when we sign up for a coaching with you and, and, and that little things like that are really helpful.

[00:39:18] Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing that. So what do you think has been like one of the things that you would give advice for people to do? I mean, you you've been giving us a lot of advice, but you know, As you reflecting your last year, like, what would you like to tell people, like in the last year you have a lot of growth I've been seeing, you have a lot of girls.

You're one of my classmates in one of more business coaching program. So I seeing you, like, sky's the limit with you? What would you tell people if you reflect back in your last year, what would you tell them? What advice would you give them? Yeah, I

Dr. Weili Gray: would tell them, just going back to the, finding your own words.

And when I say like first, knowing yourself, knowing your why, you know, that goes back to the life planning, like what resonates with you. What's gonna spark your soul on fire. So knowing those. Really important to you and then designing your life to go with what's actually important to you. But then also having trust that you have this intrinsic worth, that no one around you can take away from you.

And so, and that intrinsic worth is often tied to your why. It's like, why am I here? You know, I am here because. Insert, you know, your life mission. I want to make a difference. I want to help people. I want to heal people. And if you know that your why, and that's what strikes a chord with you, then, then go pursue that.

And nothing's going to get in your way. You know, these little things, like if you're struggling with like, you know, finishing charting and, and, you know, like washing dishes, right? Like my husband was like, that's not one of my favorite things to do. Those things are not that important find what's important to you and then design your life around that.

Because, you know, as physicians, most of us have the privilege to have some sort of help, right. Like, I mean, I don't have a house cleaner. I try to look for one, but we don't have, you know, we don't have someone like that in our area. But it's just like, I use the dishwasher more, you know, I told my kids to use the dishwasher more.

I'm like, even though I'm female and I'm a mom, like, it doesn't mean I have to wash all my dishes. It's it's because it's stuff that's not important to me. Like, yeah. I want my kids to like, eat off clean dishes, but like, I don't have to be the one to do it. Right. Like I rather be saving the world. And so it's, it's, it's knowing your.

Like knowing your worth, knowing your intrinsic value. And then don't let anyone take that away from you because you may hear messages from society. Right? Society's going to tell you, oh, you know, but it's the mom's responsibility to make sure, you know, the kid has clean dishes or clean clothes. You know, that is, is that really true?

Right? You quite, you start quick. Cause that is that really the most important thing to you. So, and I'm not saying that my kids have dirty clothes and all of that, but I'm just saying, like, that's not tied to my worth. Like if my kids go out and they have a dirty shirt, like I could care less, right. If someone looks at me with a dirty look, Great.

You know, like I, I just don't even respond. And so that is, you know, I think that that life like that mission driven life will, will just, it, it makes all the other stuff less important.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah. You like, you bring up so many good points. Like again, when you don't stop slow down, ask, is this going to matter in five minutes, five?

Is it going to matter in five weeks? Right. Do I really have to do dishes like right this second? Or is it going to matter more that I sat down and I painted with my kiddo. Right? Like you have to like ask yourself what it is. And like, like you said, question, anytime you, the w you used the word should.

Like that is usually something that somebody has told you, you should be doing and you don't want to be doing right. And. And we use that to punish ourselves or to make us feel bad. Like I should be a good mom. Well, who says you're a bad mom? I don't have XYZ. Well, who say you need XYZ? Like all this things, right?

Like I recently got coached on in my mind. I was equating having all the clothes done and put away to define a good mom that if I didn't have it a way, not that it was just clean, but it had to be a way. That if it wasn't a way than it was a hot mess. And then that, that I didn't care enough for my kids to have like a clean house.

And so it's just, your brain tells you little things, and sometimes we don't slow down and question them. Are they thoughts that are really serving you or not let them go if they're not right. And so I'm just so intrigued by everything you're doing. And I'm just curious, what are like some of your big audacious goals that you have, like in the next three years?

Dr. Weili Gray: Gosh.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: I know, but I know you, you're the physician who dares to dreams.

Dr. Weili Gray: I'm going to put you on this.

Ooh. Yeah. You know, I have to say, you know, as a life planner, I'm not someone who necessarily like plans, you know, this or like this number or this, but what my audacious goal is to just keep using my. Because I actually, over a year ago, I, I couldn't do an interview like this. Like I would, you know, no way even with like a month preparation, not, you know, not like two hours.

And I didn't even before I went for a run right before, right before an interview, but it's just to be keeping. Authentic, keep speaking up, keep using my voice, keep advocating all the things that why I wanted to go into medicine. Um, and one of the things that I am so passionate about, and I don't exactly know how to solve this is.

How do we keep the physician patient relationship? How do we keep that alive? Because there's so many things that are getting in the way, right? Like reimbursements and, um, you know, the, the, the way that practices are being run and, you know, administration of hospitals, and there's so many different complexities in, in this, but what's so important is when we sit, like when we close the door and we say, Across the table from a patient and they tell us, you know, whatever about their health, that's really affecting them.

And we're able to listen intently and we're able to offer some words of empathy and hope, you know, walking them through how to treat this, that like, we can't, we can't take that away from medicine because it wouldn't be medicine anymore. And, you know, even the placebo effect where like, you don't even give them like a real treatment.

You know, but, but knowing that they're participating in treatment, like there is value in that. So it's, it's, we can't take away that connection in medicine. So I don't, I don't exactly know how that's going to look, but that's like, my life mission is to somehow keep that at the front and center of healthcare.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Well, you are speaking it into existence because you know, there's a lot of ADHD physicians out there who are very creative and I'm pretty sure they'll come knocking at your door to help you do that. But I think this is how physicians get to decide how they practice medicine. Right? We've seen a lot of physicians do their own practices, uh, because again, they want to do it and have that relationship with their patient without being totally.

10 minutes are up. Let's go, right. Without being told you didn't do this, or you didn't do that or order this or order that, and then fighting with the insurances because they think they know which medicine is better based on the cost. And so it's all kinds of things. Right. So one more question, before I let you go, where can people find you?

Because I'm pretty sure they're going to be like what she has. She can dream. She couldn't help me, you know, with my planning. Tell me, tell me more. So where can they find

Dr. Weili Gray: you? Yeah, so I offer one-on-one life planning and I would love to work with any physician who is thinking. Oh, I just, I feel like I'm busy and overwhelmed and I just don't feel like I'm living this fulfilled life that I, I feel I deserve.

And, um, that's exactly, you know, what I like to help physicians with through life planning so they can sign up for a discovery call on my website, dare to dream position.com. And then I also have a podcast that anybody can listen to. It's it's the same name, dear, to visit a dare to dream physician podcast.

And I put it up. Usually it's interviews with, sometimes I do solo shows. Um, and, and we just talk about what is it, you know, how do we discover what your dream life is? And then how do we help you live that as soon as possible? Because we may not have 20 years to wait to live our dream life. We can start living that now and not take life for granted.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah, that's such an amazing point. You just made, we can't keep deciding that we're going to be happy when XYZ happens. We need to decide today and you have that power. Of deciding what you're going to focus on. Are you gonna find all the negative things that you think, you know, having gone your way today?

Or are you gonna look at all the things that you made happen because you decided you want it to happen? Right. So how you show up really does matter. And then realizing that none of us are a hundred percent all the time, right? We all need our breasts and we all need your time off and you need to be able to protect who you're around because it makes a difference for your energy, for your money, for everything.

And so I, this is a funny question that I always ask every guest at the very, very end, because you know, we're talking to sometimes two people with ADHD and we space out. Let's say they just started frayed attention, like right this second, what is the one little last nugget that if they just listened now, they would walk away with.

Dr. Weili Gray: You know, your life is worth it. We only get to live once. So get to know yourself. What, what is the life that you want to live? And what's stopping you because whatever is stopping you. There are ways to, there are ways to overcome that. So live your live the life that you want and live it now because tomorrow may not be there.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: So there, you heard it, Dr. Whaley gray shared all the nuggets. She gave you all the insights, but nobody can make the decision, but yourself, you need to be willing to decide that where you're going starts with you. And don't do it for anybody else, but yourself. And again, just like she said, it's not because X, Y, C is going to make us more worthy is that you already have been worth the all along.

Just didn't realize it. So start realizing it. And thank you again, it was a pleasure having you as my guest, and we definitely need to continue the conversation. And I hope to see you in person in a few weeks is that. Not going to be there. Ah, okay. Virtual hugs. All right. Well

Dr. Weili Gray: you take care. Thank you so much and keep doing what you're doing.

Cause you you're changing the world. Deanna.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Thank you. It's been a pleasure. We are get to dream stuffed into existence.

As someone who understands that time is your most valuable asset, I am so honored that you have shared your time with me. Please click the subscribe. And join my Facebook Group: Beyond ADHD A Physician's Perspective so that you never miss an opportunity to create time at will. Do share this podcast with your friends. So they too can learn to live life and stay in their own lane.

 

About Dr. Weili Gray:

Dr. Weili Gray is a board-certified sleep, integrative, and lifestyle medicine physician who practices in Vermont. She is also a Registered Life Planner and the founder of Dare to Dream Physician, where she offers life planning and hosts a weekly podcast.

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