Manifest Your Goals with Abbie Schiller

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Hello, hello. Welcome to Beyond ADHD, a Physician's Perspective. I am Dr. Deanna Medo Marm. I'm a family medicine physician practicing in rural Texas. I used to be hindered by my adhd, but I now see it as a gift that helps me show up as the person I was always meant to be. Both in my work and in my personal life.

In the past two years, I've come to realize, That unlearning some of my beliefs and some of my habits were just as important as learning the new set of skills. Well, hello. Hello. I am so excited today. Uh, I can't believe it's. Episode 51. It, it's crazy how you do things and you forget you're doing things and all of a sudden you get almost close to like a year of doing things.

So with that in mind, uh, I've had a couple of crazy weeks, um, the three sessions or. Workshops in the last six weeks and now I'm super excited to tell you that I have my physician retreat that's gonna happen in Costa Rica. Uh, yes. So it's May 1st through the sixth, so I will put all the information later on, but.

It's gonna be really fun retreat because you get to go have fun and get CME and it's gonna be divine half a day workshop at the actual place, and then the rest of the day you get to play. So, and of course at the end of the day, we have to do the coaching so we can reflect, so we can implement everything that we're learning.

So today I have an amazing, uh, treat for you. It's one of my good friends and, uh, Abby. Shiller and I might messed that up. And so she's gonna introduce herself and tell us all the wonderful things that she's up

Abbie Shiller: to. Hi, I, first of all, I wanna go on that retreat I honeymooned in Costa Rican. It's amazing.

And then did, gimme a break. Give me a break. .

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: You know, we went for our first year, uh, for, for, for honeymoon, right. And then, uh, we went at 11 years for like to celebrate like in September. I was like, before they tell me that Monkeypox is a, a thing and I can't leave the country. Right. So Costa Rica's

Abbie Shiller: awesome.

Yes, indeed. I, I, everybody who goes on that retreat is gonna be, have the best time. Yes. Um, okay, so I'm Abby Schiller. I am a goal coach. I help, uh, women transform their lives from one change to another. I help them reinvent. I help them grow businesses. I help them love parenting more. I am also the CEO and co-founder of the Mother company, which is.

Has a, it's a media company for young children and we have, um, the mission of helping parents raise good people. So I've co-authored 12 children's books and I have, um, a TV series that I created and, uh, just really grown a media company for children.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Awesome. Yeah. And tell me, how did you get into that?

Abbie Shiller: You know, I was a mo so my career actually was in brand strategy and public relations.

I had been the head of PR for Keels, which is a skincare company, and after that I went to become the head of PR for ABC daytime television. So I was the one telling Barbara Walters for the View, like how to manage crises, um, which is a hilarious chapter in my life. Um, and an honor to work with such a. Um, and I kept thinking, I, so I had a real view of what was happening and at that time, baby Einstein had just launched and then sold to Disney for like 180 million.

And I was like, these are videos of toys for babies, and I could do this so much better. And there hadn't been any television to really help children with the issues that I needed. To help my children with, which were, you know, sharing and communication and expressing your feelings and becoming a good friend.

And really the only option at the time, and this really dates me, was Barney and I hated it. Yeah. And I thought for a generation of women who are reshaping stores like Target, so that they're like, design first. Why can't we have media for children? Is, you know, the, what is the Whole Foods version of Media for children?

And so we created a series called Ruby's Studio, which still airs on Amazon Prime. And, um, it's, it won an Emmy and it's just a beautiful series for children to help them learn about feelings and friendship and safety. We have, I think, the best program. Young children understand body safety, not like car, car safety or bike safety, but like personal safety, um, without any cringe factor.

And then we also have a show on siblings. So we did some beautiful content.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Awesome. And so, you know, we, we, in this podcast, it's my perspective on what I think about, uh, ADHD or, or whatever, right. Um, is there anything ADHD related with you?

Abbie Shiller: Oh, a hundred percent. I am like poster child . Um, and for me, the h is for hyper focus.

So I definitely have kind of the manic moments of unfocus and what did, where did I? Just like three cups of coffee or tea, like all over the house that I can't remember where I put, or, uh, I'm saying something and then I, my thoughts draw. I have, I am like the poster child. I'm also dyslexic, so I have a lot of neurodiversity happening, um, which is for me, a superpower.

You know, we grew up, I grew up in a time like seventies and eighties where they didn't really diagnose us with that. And so I just thought I had a different brain that like got to figure out things differently. And so like for instance, I was always in the slowest math group because of my dyslexia, but I'm the only person who can do math intuitively because I just feel the numbers because I've had to learn how to do that.

So it's been. Absolute superpower for me to have a neurodiverse brain. And I actually have a little card on my desk that reminds me of that, which says, I am immensely capable of achieving great things because my brain works differently. The world needs my solutions. Yes,

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: that's so good. You know? Um, I'm so glad that you tapped into your brain and you didn't make it mean anything, that we needed three cups of coffee or we needed to do anything in that sort, or that maybe you were approaching it from a different way that your colleague would have or your friend would have, or.

Or somebody else would have, because I think that's part of the problem that gets us stuck. We just keep comparing ourselves to other people and wonder like, how come I can't X, Y, and Z? But you embraced it and that made all the difference.

Abbie Shiller: Yeah, I actually think the opposite, right? Like all the other people are doing X, Y, and Z and it's not working.

So what br, what can I bring to the table that they could never think?

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah. So you're able to enhance it and, and be, and give yourself the permission to think outside the box, because that's what's gonna get the job done, correct.

Abbie Shiller: That's exactly right in a way that no one else is capable of. And I have proven that to be true over and over and over.

It's so funny because when people get a diagnosis, I think their assumption is, oh God. But I actually was like, Hey, that makes a lot of sense . How awesome that there's a

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: name for this. So how old were you when you were told, Hey, this is what's going?

Abbie Shiller: I literally, like last year, , I got tested last year. I'm 50

And I just kept thinking this is like, this is not normal. Like my husband is like, what's up with the nonsequitors? And you know, finish the sentence. And what, you started to do this task and then you did three other like. Okay, let's, let's figure out why, which is really helpful. And also the other thing that's really helpful for me is to recognize how I'm constantly low in dopamine.

Ha. And so I'm always trying to like get a dopamine fix. And so awareness, yes, awareness has been so great because I'm like, I don't need to snack, I just need like dopamine and I can do that other ways.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Awesome. So let me ask you this, um, And you don't have to answer it because obviously it's your medical information, but, uh, you're welcome to or not.

Um, are you menopausal, uh, in, in age yet, or no?

Abbie Shiller: Oh, yeah. I mean, I, I'm, I love that you, like, you're, you're a doctor and so you approaching this in like a doctor leeway. Uh, I am, I, I will talk about menopause all day long because I think that it is so crazily un under talked about and underrepresented. Why don't we know like 51% of the population is going through this or will go through this?

It makes no sense that we are so in the dark about this. Um, I am. What's called premenopausal. So I am still very regular. I love that I'm talking about this. Still very regular, but uh, but with occasional hot flashes or night sweats

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: or heart flash. The reason I'm asking you this is because some women.

Like yourself, sneak away until you hit premenopause or menopause. What do mean? Sneak away? Like you never get caught. You never get given the diagnosis because you keep like creating systems until you know, like you've probably were doing something that you were so intrigued and it was in your zone and that was giving you the domine.

But then you hit, like for some people you hit the, you know, High school or college, right? For some people you get to like law school or medical school or something like that. Or some people you become like the CEO of something and all this, that other people, you get to premenopause or menopause and that's when the diagnosis happens.

Or when your kid gets diagnosed and you're like, wait a minute, those are mine too. And so I'm pointing that out because again, A lot of us, unfortunately are like, oh, you just made it possible. That's why, blah, blah, blah. But what if they are, have missed your diagnosis of ADHD all along?

Abbie Shiller: So my kid was diagnosed with ADHD 10 years ago, , and I totally brushed it off because she didn't, I didn't know a lot about it, and I just felt like, like, that's not a diagnosis that's gonna help her.

She's gonna use that as a crutch. So I'm not, I didn't even tell her. I didn't even tell her. And then the more I learned about it, and the more I started seeing the things in myself over those 10 years, I was like, whoa, this is crazy. And now there I, I feel like there are flareups, I just call them flareups of like certain days where like the smallest task is just like, Lugging boulders behind you.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah. And again, like you just said, being aware that every day might be different and not making it mean anything and having that awareness of like, where am I low end dopamine, or am I really supposed to be doing this task like at 9:00 PM or should I have done it like at 9:00 AM Right. Uh, or is this a task I need to do or can I delegate this to somebody else?

Abbie Shiller: Right. Love delegation. Love it. Yes.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yes. Yes. So tell me what has been one of like your. Moments where like you couldn't help but LA laugh and now looking back you could be like, yeah, that's totally my adhd. You know, without saying you have adhd, but at that point, maybe you never

Abbie Shiller: knew. I had a video that went viral on Instagram and just a, a simple reel where I videotaped my cup of tea sitting cold on the counter, and I said, how do you know you have ADHD without, tell me you have adhd.

Telling you have adhd and tens of thousands of people liked this one video, and I realized I, this is something I'd done my whole life. Leave it in the microwaves, leave it on the counter, stick it in the car, whatever, . I was just like, that was like the aha for me of like, oh, this is a connecting habit.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah, my husband says that all the time. He's like, were you going to have that? I was like, yeah. They're like, cold or ? I'm like, yeah, cold . So

Abbie Shiller: much, so much. But you know, it's interesting. I used to think that it was because when I was a new mom, I was like, oh, I'm breastfeeding. So now I'm sitting here and I can't reach.

but no, like most brains don't. I mean, typical brains I guess don't work that way. I hate the term typical, like Right. I maybe if maybe typical versus special.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah. , uh, radiant . Yes. Yeah. Charming. I don't know. Whatever you would wanna call it.

Abbie Shiller: I mean, it really works for us on so many levels though. I mean, we really are magnets and dynamic.

there's, you know, yes, of course we can't remember to do a gazillion things or are late to things, but, but okay. Like, cuz we make up for it.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah, I know. I'm like, well when I show up, I'm here. What, what was the problem? .

Abbie Shiller: Okay, that's right. It's funny cause my mom actually was ADHD and I never knew that and I was always the last kid to be picked up at school cuz she was always late.

And she would forget things or like whenever we traveled, we'd get to the airport five minutes before the plane took off and like, I just thought that my, my childhood was chaos and I never realized until I had a diagnosis and now I see everything from my child. It makes so much sense. Yeah, it makes so much sense.

It was like, it brought me so much peace. I literally let go of so much anger that I had had towards her of like, why would you pick me up last?

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing, right? When you don't know, like we can interpret things in a different way, and especially if you have adhd, like we hold onto some crutches and we think like, oh my God, they're rejecting us.

And, and then when you understand it from a different angle, you're like, Okay. Like she was trying her best, but that was her best. Yeah.

Abbie Shiller: Yeah. So, yeah. So many fender benders, , so distracted all the time.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah. Yeah. That's my, my tells me sometimes she's like, Mom and I'm, I'm happy. Like he's only gotten one tardy bill.

Like, you know that, that, that's, that's

Abbie Shiller: accomplishment. , I will say that I, I am not that mother even though I have the same diagnosis and I think that we can, we cannot lean, we don't have to lean on the diagnosis as an excuse. Like we can do better for ourselves. Yeah. And that's partly what I do as a coach.

I help women really like live the lives that they.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah, that's right. Like ADHD can start and end with you if you have the right tools. And I, in this podcast, I keep telling people that, you know, I'm not gonna push one thing or another that only, you know, what would be, uh, helpful for you. But you need to really be open to trying all the things.

It might be that exercise is all you need, or it might be that a low carb diet is all you need, or it might be that you just need a very passionate job and some boundaries on Quin to like stop, right? Or it could be that you need the meds and the therapy and the coaching, right? Because with the coaching, uh, again, you start to realize that you're not all those thoughts that your brain has on re.

Abbie Shiller: Mm. Yes, I'm a big believer And love yourself the hardest. Yes. Just love yourself. You know what I love to do? This is a little off topic, but

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: nothing's off topic on here. , you're in the right room. Girl.

Abbie Shiller: I really love taking time alone, like just solitude time. So like for my 49th birthday, I, I rented a little tiny place in, in Maine on the ocean, and I just spent four days.

And it was like heaven to just like listen to my wants all day long and answer them, and it, it got me out of an environment of like routine and I just was able to be like, Hmm. Do I wanna pull over to that lobster shack right now? Yes I do. Okay, let's do that. Am I hungry? Yes, I am. Let's do that. Do I want a glass of wine?

No, I don't want a glass of wine like, All day long. I was just like totally tuning into my brain's requests and my body's responses, and it was like just an absolute gift to myself for my birthday at that time. And I, I highly recommend trying this. If you can't, I mean, it doesn't have to be a cottage in Maine.

It could be, you know, a friend's house or whatever. Like, just get out of your environment and listen to your wants all day long. Get away from the kids, get away from the job, whatever, for like 24 hours and just like, Respond to

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: yourself. You know, you brought up such an important, uh, topic. Like I'm, I'm part of a physician, uh, female group.

I mean, I'm in many of those, but I'm in one of them and somebody posted. At first it, it looked like an angry post, but she was more like in like awe, and she was more like, we should have the audacity to do what my nanny's doing. So apparently her nanny asked for, uh, a weekend or, or, or two days. I don't know what it is, like every two months to get like, kind of like what you said, to get away and disconnect.

So, She can come back and be fully present and everybody was like, oh my God, da da da da. And then they were like, but wait, that means she's taking care of her. And, and then she's coming back and she's, and she's like, she's an amazing nanny to, to them like they, she's always like, Ready to go and present.

And it's like what an awareness of a 20 year old to have that insight. So young, right? Like most of us tend to like figure out midlife crisis or something like at 35 or 40 or 50, like we start thinking like, oh my God, how did I get here? Right? Because we, somewhere along the way, forgot to love ourselves or ask ourselves what do I want?

And at first everybody was like, oh my God, she's asking for time off. And then they were like, oh, we should learn from her and ask for time off. Why not? And, and like you said, like check in with yourself, not just your brain, whatever your brain is telling you, but like, does it really feel at ease in your body?

Um, when did you learn to do that and like to tune into your.

Abbie Shiller: I love that question because I think I'm still learning to do that. I am fully a recovering people pleaser and perfectionist. I . Hey, shout out to all of you. Um, I, I feel like this is an ongoing process, but where I, when I think I first learned how to do that was six months after the death of my father.

Right. When, um, the administration at the time was separating children from their. Uh, in immigration and my heart literally cracked I, and there was a definitive moment in which it cracked. I was standing at the kitchen counter making dinner, and I literally suddenly had like the most horrifying suicidal ideation, which is so far from how I've ever thought in my life.

I just felt absolute despair and loss, and I, I am an empath. I felt. The who I, it makes me cry even thinking about it still, the horror of the children being ripped from their parents after this journey and I just realized I'd hit a bottom point and that I was of no service to my family. I was of no service to myself.

And I decided I need to check out, I did what your friend's nanny did. , I needed to fill good. I needed to fill my love bank. And I believe that in those moments, the universe responds and I didn't tell anyone, but I got on the phone with American Airlines and I was like, how many miles do I have and how far away can I go?

And I had to just leave the. And I went my friend, because again, the universe responds. Um, and I am really big on manifesting. Within five days, I had a flight to the south of France and a stopover in Portugal by myself for 10 days, um, at a friend's house. That she had Airbnb and somebody had canceled. So I, she needed to fill the room.

And then I just used Miles and I literally did a 10 day trip to the south of France and Portugal for practically free to fill myself up again and to remove myself from the despair and get some, I journaled and I cared, and I listened to myself and I slept, and I, ugh. It was like, and after that moment I came back.

Whole, you know, like when there is, when we jump in the pool with our clients or when people are drowning or we start drowning in an attempt to help them like we are of no service to ourselves or of them. And so that is what I did and that is what your friend's nanny is doing, and we have to do that for ourselves.

There's just so much going on in the world that if we don't put our oxygen masks on first, then we can't serve anyone else.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah, it seems. The big shifts that have happened for you and have happened for me have come from. Moment of remembering that we mattered, remembering that we matter first, like not in a selfish way, but like you said, put your oxygen first.

And so for me, it was that moment in time when I realized I was the most important patient in the room. That if I wasn't okay, like it didn't matter how much I could wanted to fake it or to pretend to be professional or whatever they had told me. I was like, not well because I had not been refueling my cup and I was just giving away, like you said, people pleasing and again, and sometimes people pleasing and we don't realize that it's a mechanism that helps us to survive in what we're doing because then that means it's smooth trailing, right?

But then at some point you use it one too many times that you mask and then. Remember, like you said, to check in with your gut, to check in with your heart, your soul. Right?

Abbie Shiller: And you know, the barometer of that is when you start feeling the emotion of resentment. Like for me resentment is like the, any twinge of resentment is like you, you're already too thirsty, right?

you should have hydrated a long time ago. You should have felt fell. Sorry. Oh my gosh. You should have filled that was the. Isn't that funny? Thanks brain . You should have filled your love bank long ago. So resentment is like a great aha moment of, and for me in that kitchen moment, it was despair. I mean, my brain, there are a couple times in my life when my brain has become fully unrecognizable to myself and I just had to like step back and just say who, what's happening?

Another, can I share another one of those of. So in 2014, I had a spiral of a, I mean, I was running a company. I had two little kids. Everything on on paper seemed amazing. And then my mother-in-law died and a number of circumstances happened that triggered a number of other circumstances that were financial and mental wellness and a whole bunch of other things in my family that created a life within six weeks that I did not recognize.

I mean, here I was going along and then boom, a circumstance and then all of a sudden who, what's happening . Um, and I. It actually was a life changing moment for me because I realized that I needed to take my life back, and I knew that there was a, like, it is I, I know people can take their lives back. And so the first step for me was to research that how do you change your life?

I literally Googled that, how to change your life, how to transform, how to goal setting, habit forming, change behavior, human potential coaching, cognitive behavioral therapy. I studied. Everything for three months. I just literally like, you know, that like Diane Keaton movie like where she just like goes into like writing and she's just like the, the thing is flowing out of her.

That was me learning, just like sponging it up and I decided January 1st. That I was gonna create a, a, a program for myself, and I invited a friend to a hotel. I was like, I again, I checked out for 24 hours, separated myself from everything. And we went into a hotel on January 1st, 2015. And we just did these exercises for 24 hours and we ate and we walked and we brainstormed and we meditated and we did all of these things and we put a plan in place.

So we went from goal to plan, and then after that I started implementing. The steps of the plan. So I, I call it a gps I goal plan steps, and I started implementing the steps and within three months my life had fully transformed. And that's actually what my visioning course is now. It stemmed from that moment of darkness and uncertainty where I needed to turn my life around, and now I have a profession around it and I turn other women's lives around.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah, it seems like we're on the same journey. You know, what was. Painful or what was not what we wanted. We used it to now give other people a gift of opportunity to do the same thing for themselves and, and not because we're gonna tell them how to do it. Because everybody's in their own journey and what might work for me might not work for you, and we don't want you to feel like we're gas lighting or something.

Right. But we're providing a community. Right. Where they can come and give themselves permission to change the narrative of the story that they are currently in. Right. That they can decide that, yeah. All those pages and all those previous chapters, it's okay. Like we can go forward and create either end this book or start a new book or decide what you want to do, right?

Yes. And, and, and it's. When you are aligned with that, it's like a product or a service of of love, right? That because you gave yourself that opportunity, you now want to give everybody else the opportunity so that you already did the heavy lifted for them. You know, that hyper focusing and tried to figure out the things.

Um, yes. And I think that's what makes us so. Um, I, I like time vendors, right? Or , because people are like, when do you have time for, do all that? I'm like, well, when it's driven by passion and purpose, it, it doesn't feel like work. Sometimes

Abbie Shiller: I feel like time is such an interesting concept. I, I don't know about you, but I struggled for a very long time with time anxiety.

And again, my mother was always late. She has literally whatever it's called when you have no sense of time. That is how, one of the ways her ADHD time, blindness time, yes. But there's actually a medical term for it, I believe. Anyway. Yes, it's time blindness. And she has, she will literally say, remember last year when you think and you're like, mom, that was 20 years ago.

Um, it's be, it's ama like literally a part of her brain is like blocked, I think , but. I think, you know, for, for us, our demand, like the demands that working women and especially working moms have in terms of time is, in my opinion, a systemic problem. There's just no way that the expectations of, you know, getting everything done, it is possible.

And so that really creates kind of a math problem. But in addition, we in. Dump on top of that, the mental problem of like the drama around it and the, I'm so overwhelmed, I'm so tired, I'm so busy. All of that really adds to the feeling of it. And so when with coaching, we can take it apart a little bit and just think, you know, what would it look like if I got this course done with ease?

What would it look like if I did? Halfway. What's a, what's a B level effort here? And is that enough? What if, um, what are they actually paying for? They're paying for results. Does that mean that they need to get 15 modules or 10 modules or no modules? And just me showing up, right? So just remembering the perspective of, and I always like to ask my clients like, what's your goal here?

What's the bigger goal?

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah. Yeah. That's the same thing I asked my clients. Like I asked them, how would you know that you, you're, you've been successful in this program? Like, what is your success measure? Because whatever that's framing that end for Exactly, because whatever I think is success might be different when you think it's success.

Maybe to use success means you left your chart closed at work, or maybe for you success means you showed up at your kids recital because you finally. Time off and the things that are really important for you. Or maybe it could mean you, you got away and did a book or, or something else, right? Like and.

and giving yourself the opportunity to ask yourself those hard questions. Because in our mind, time is a hard question because we're always gonna say there's not enough. Right? And, and it's not just like, oh, let me just think the opposite and magically that's gonna be better because we know that's not the case, but it's in learning.

How to use planners or how to do it in a way where it doesn't be, have to be so hard, like you said, with ease , and, and when you align it with your values, it becomes a little bit more with ease.

Abbie Shiller: Yes. And I think that ADHD people have a challenge with this, especially because we have trouble deciphering priorities versus what's important versus urgent.

Um, I think that, Obviously have incredibly distractable brains in, in an unbelievably distractable world. Um, I think that there's a number of challenges for those of us with neurodiversity in terms of time use, and then I, I love helping people find the solutions around that and, and the tricks and what works.

And, I mean, there's also really great resources in the world for, for people with that. Again, you know, what's the larger purpose? I had a, I had a. A couple summers ago, like in the height of the pandemic, 2020, and I was working, working, working, working, working all day long. And my little guy, we had bought him like an inflatable pool.

I tell this story in my vision and course we had bought him an inflatable pool and he was just out there splashing in the pool by himself, and he called up to me in my office and he was like, mama, come play with me. I was like, I'm so busy. That pool's freezing. I'm not getting there with you. And then I had a realization of.

Like what is important here versus what is urgent? And I did have some, some urgent deadlines, but 30 minutes, 45 minutes in a pool with my kid would would mean the world. And so I got my bathing suit on. I got in that bug filled little kitty pool and we threw a little beach ball for 45 minutes and he talked to me about Marvel and we just fully connected.

And in those 45 minutes, like I literally felt. Fullness. My heart fill. His heart fill. We related to each other differently. After that, things became easier. After that, it was a little investment that I paid. In terms of not getting, you know, my work done for those 45 minutes, but it was an absolute privilege to have that connection and that make that memory with him.

And that's what I mean by just tapping into the priority. Like what's, what's the priority here? And for me, a goal is to be a present mom. And so that was my feeling of that. And we just have to step out sometimes to realize the larger.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah. And, and to realize again, why are we doing this? Like why are we working so hard?

Like you said, it's probably to spend time with your family, but are you spending time with your family and are you present with your family? Right? So like, again, it's creating that awareness and then, okay. Now what are the action steps so that I can create the life that I want on purpose, not by chance.

And I

Abbie Shiller: wonder how many people don't know how to be present. I wonder how many people don't know how to meaningfully connect. I mean, we have a loneliness epidemic in this world, even when we live with other people, even though we are surrounded and connect. Accordingly to the, to our phones, more than ever, we are so lonely, and that's because we just are out of pr.

Our, our connection muscle has atrophied, and so we have to make conversation. We have to put our phones down, we have to engage with people, we have to learn how to listen. Um, I, I just, I just see this, you know, parents and kids at the table with their phones and it just breaks my heart so much because these are the moments in which we teach our kids how to connect.

And they're not getting

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: it. You know, at the, at the chat conference, they had one, uh, workshop that I thought was so interested, it just blew my mind. So she got us, she asked us to get in a circle, and she asked us to then stand up and walk around and meet with somebody. But you couldn't talk to them. You just had to like, look at them like, uh, in their eye, like eye to eye or whatever.

And if you felt comfortable, you would shake their. If you didn't feel comfortable, you just walked away. How crazy was that? Like it was so uncomfortable because like you're, you're trying to be like, polite and, you know, it's, and one person wouldn't wanna shake my head, so I just finally started laughing.

They're like, okay, fine. She's shake my hand. Right? But like, it's so like, the meaning of like body language and like reading people is like not a skill that we. Can learn, right? Because like you said, we're so like glu to her phones, right? And then she had us do another thing where, uh, then we, she, she had us be like, person A and person B, and person A could not talk.

They just had to listen and she didn't tell us for how long, , it was only two minutes. But remember, we don't know. And so it was just like, and she didn't want us to say Aha or Mm, like you just have to be like a mirror, so to say, like, but not say anything. And so it was so interesting. And then she had that person who hadn't talked, reflect back what that person had told him.

And so it was such a gift to be heard. Yeah, totally. And, and so it's just mind blowing how, like you said, we don't, we don't have, uh, uh, awareness of how we're doing things sometimes.

Abbie Shiller: Yeah, completely. I get it. What an incredible, what an incredible, um, exercise. I, I love those. Have you ever heard of the 36 questions?

So there's something called 36 questions. Two researchers developed it in New York, and the whole goal of it was to have an exchange of these 36 questions that at the end of which would foster intimacy between any two people, any two people. So they. Um, you know, they do it with couples who have been married for a million years who have lost kind of that connection.

They do it with friends, they do it with two strangers. They do it on dating apps. They have proven that the 36 questions will create an intimate connection between two people. And then at the end of it, like what you just said, you have to look into somebody's eyes and then that's it. Like, then intimacy is created.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Yeah. That's so, that's so interesting to know that we eventually, if we talk long, We might find some common ground. Right. And, and develop that relationship. Um, yeah, so it was just interesting to walk around the room with people that I would have never maybe talked to, you know, but all of a sudden you just had to see them for themselves or their humanness and oh, and then at the end of the workshop, They said, we're gonna frame each other.

So what that meant was I had to look at you and by just looking at you, I have to say she's bold. She's like happy, she's vibrant. Like based on how they were presenting themselves and that that was also very cool.

Abbie Shiller: Wow. Did anybody say anything like, She's really insecure. She's really traumatized. .

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: No, they basically said, oh, she, you know, they're calm, or they're, or they're reserved or, but they never said anything.

It was always pleasant.

Abbie Shiller: That's wild. I have such, um, intuition about people. I would have to be careful in those moments.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: So tell me, where can people find.

Abbie Shiller: Uh, you can find me on my website, which is Abby Shiller, A b b i e s c h i l l e r.com. Or you can find me on Instagram, Abby Shiller coaching, and, uh, I'm launching a visioning course to help transform people's lives in January.

It's gonna be a three month course with a year of support. I'm so excited about it. We're just a, a relatively small group of people who do this work in community and it's.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Awesome. So like, you know, my podcast is, uh, geared towards people who have ADHD and sometimes they don't pay attention. So if they just started listening right this second, what would you say are the takeaway points that you would want them to listen to

Abbie Shiller: from the course?

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: From my work? No, from what we were talking about, like the whole Oh, from

Abbie Shiller: today, . Yeah. I wasn't listening. Just kidding. .

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Well, good then everybody's on the same page. .

Abbie Shiller: Um, if I were to summarize this conversation, I think that I would say like, fill your love bank. We can't, we can't be of service to anyone when we are completely dele.

um, manage your time, figure out what's a priority to you and what's, uh, important, and try and find the balance between the two. And I always like to just let people know, you know, make sure you're being aware, be aware of what your thoughts are and what the results are that they're creating.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Well, Abby, thank you so much for coming.

You guys cannot see the ruckus that is happening in the background, but I have my two kiddos jumping around and she has kept herself composed through this whole thing, , but I wanna

Abbie Shiller: make faces.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Oh my goodness. It's just

Abbie Shiller: working. Mamas are amazing, right? We

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: are superheroes.

Abbie Shiller: Thank you so much for having. Yes.

Dr. Diana Mercado-Marmarosh: Thank you for coming, . Thank you for spending your time with me. I really believe that time is your most valuable asset. Please subscribe to the podcast, share with your colleagues, and don't forget to check out my website live coach.com, where you can find out about my upcoming coaching group classes, as well as free master classes and other exciting events that are happy.